The hamburglars involvement in the sesame st war
by elfeicho
Summary: The untold tale of perversion
1. Introduction pt 1

**A/N:"behind the music-the hamburglar" parts 1 and 2 are introductions of the incidents that led up to this tragedy.**

BEHIND THE MUSIC: THE HAMBURGLAR The hamburglar is a mythical beast, who travels time and space in a series of inter-connected tubes that originate in a place known by mortal man as the mcdonald-land. Most people over the age of 3 believe that these tubes only go 100 feet, but they are mistaken. The tubes connect for thousands of miles, to different parts of the universe and different planes of existence. Some have said to travel to different dimensions and learned different trains of thought from traveling them. Those who have mastered the tubes have mastered all knowledge.  
The mysticism surrounding the hamburglar is very interesting. Some say he▓s existed from the beginning of time. Others say he doesn▓t exist. I have concluded through numerous interviews of first hand experience that he is immortal, and still lurking somewhere within the tubes, primarily the purple tubes. He was kicked out of the mcdonald land gang by Ronald▓s for hanging out in the ⌠red light district■ near mcdonald land, and hasn▓t returned to his native ground since. This event, called by historians ⌠the booting of the meat lover■, probably took place thousands of years ago, if at all. According to legend, the hamburglar had a very strange sexuality┘it couldn▓t be described in proper terms of heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. More like┘ ⌠have sex with everything.■ It turned him on to stick his meat in between 2 hamburger buns and let the ketchup do the work. You ever wonder how the doughnut got invented how the doughnut or bagel got invented? The hamburglar stuck his schlong into a single half of a bun. In fact, the original cream cheese was made of something between normal cheese that was already on the bun and the hamburglars jizz. He also has/had a strange fetish of chopped off penises. An interesting fact regarding this topic: Mcdonalds provided hot dogs at the 1957 World Series. Mcdonalds never served hot dogs before or after this. Most of them were small, shriveled up, and disgusting. They were advertised as ⌠mini-dogs■. A spokesperson said to the camera▓s ⌠thanks to the hamburglar for providing these┘■ which is the strangest fact yet, because mcdonalds cited the hamburglar as being faked and dismissed him as a myth on several occasions within previous years.  
The fact that the one spoken of wasn▓t part of the McDonald land gang was destroyed when mcdonalds started using him again in a 1970▓s advertisement campaign. Of course, mcdonalds denied that any of the characters used in advertisement weren▓t real and that the spokesperson who had said that he provided the hotdogs was probably just high when he mentioned that line. There were a few mortal men who had traveled the galactical line of tubes and talked to Ronald mcdonald and the gang himself. According to them, the mystical one was kicked out of the gang long ago, and the higher-ups of mcdonalds forced them to let him rejoin for marketing purposes. And according to them, when all of the other people of the mcdonald land gang would be having fun playing in the park, the hamburglar would be tripping on acid and taking N20 whippets. The people who claimed this were soon murdered by CIA agents. A conspiracy lie deep within the mcdonalds corporation and US government, and within the next few days I will attempt to unmask it.


	2. Introduction pt 2

CHAPTER 2

Well, those few days turned into a few weeks. Those few weeks turned into a few months. 6 months had passed by the time anything happened in his life again.  
He spent those long nights jackin▓ off, having sex with buns, and drinking vodka. One night, the people who had stalked him down in the tubes that fateful night 6 months earlier had caught up with him once again. He was mildly tipsy when this happened, and they weren▓t cops. The hamburglar had thought long and hard about that night, and a few months earlier he had determined the weren▓t cops. It was very hard for mortals of that age to find there way around the tubes.  
Who was it than? Old friends that the hamburglar was very happy to see. There were 3 of them, all muppets. Their names: Oscar, Grover, and cookie monster. They had bad news though, and hamburglars help was desperately needed. A group of bad muppets from a prison had escaped. They blew a wall open, and killed some guards and let all of the other muppets in the prison out. This was all started by big bird, who had paid the escapees to release the other muppets. You see, Big-bird had hated sesame streets democracy and wanted to start a communism. He promised the original escapees high government positions if they let all of the prisoners escape. He armed all escaping muppets with powerful guns and explosives. A civil war had started on Sesame Street. ⌠Its terrible■ cookie monster said, with tears strolling down his eyes. ⌠There▓s fighting in the streets day and night. All you here anymore is grenades going off and machine gun fire. Screaming muppets driving tanks into apartment buildings and wearing bandanas, shooting innocent bystanders. ⌠ ⌠And you haven▓t heard the worst of it.■ Oscar said, looking down. He looked up and said ⌠Ernie died, and berts no where to be found. And the show was cancelled.■ Hamburglar spit his beer allover the goddamn place. They were sitting in the basement of a very ghetto mcdonalds right now, they were sitting on fold up chairs in a circle. A dim light dangled on a chain a few feet above them. ⌠and how exactly did this mess happen?■ hamburglar muttered.  
Oscar started: ⌠The show was cancelled because of us. We all got fired. Cookie monster for getting to fat, me for being to mean, and grover for having associations to the KKK and using the N word to much on national television. The next day we came in with guns and blew the producers fucking brains out.■ There was a crazed look in his eye, and grover said ⌠shortly after that the shit hit the fan. The great depression of sesame street started. There was a party at elmo▓s house, and when big bird (this was before he became a communist) decided to move the party into the bathroom. Bert and ernie were sodomizing in there, drunk. They didn▓t come out of there apartment for a few months. They finally left to go get food, and the street had gone down the shitter by now. Bert went mad shortly afterwards and said he was moving to middle-earth. He hasn▓t been seen since. Shortly afterwards, big bird went on a drunken rage at mr. Hoopers tavern which led up to a series of events that turned him into a dictator. Sesame street must be rescued. The hamburglar couldn▓t remember how to get to sesame street. He knew that the tubes could take you to distant places, dimensions, and warp you to other planets. But he couldn▓t remember if sesame street was on earth or not. Oscar pulled out a giant map, that looked very complex. It was a map of the tubes. He stared at it profusely. ⌠Well, lets get going■ oscar said. The hamburglar went up to his quarters to go pack his shit (a spare knife, a few vibrators, some bacardi, half a bottle of vodka, and some meth) he threw all his stuff in a duffle bag and went into the play-place to meet the muppets. Before they left, they went into the ball-pit and smoked a few doobies courtesy of Oscar the grouch. 


	3. chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

The hamburglar continued traveling through the tubes. He had to get to the nearest mcdonalds. The cops wouldn▓t catch him, they couldn▓t, the never have. He could just sleep in the tubes between the next mcdonalds, but they were dangerous at night. Besides, he was on a roll, 3 victims this week. He got some pussy to from an elk in the woods. He also stole some guy▓s Scooby-doo bong and had sex with that. Ohh boy did the hamburglar love sex. Ohh yeah. He had been crawling in the tubes for about 5 hours when he heard: ⌠Hey!! It▓s the hamburglar!! Get him!!■ The hamburglar figured it was cops and hurried. He was very fast, much faster than the people following him, and after a series of turns he lost them. He found that he was now very near the mcdonalds of Milwaukee and figured he▓d stay there for a few days. 


	4. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

Well, those few days turned into a few weeks. Those few weeks turned into a few months. 6 months had passed by the time anything happened in his life again.  
He spent those long nights jackin▓ off, having sex with buns, and drinking vodka. One night, the people who had stalked him down in the tubes that fateful night 6 months earlier had caught up with him once again. He was mildly tipsy when this happened, and they weren▓t cops. The hamburglar had thought long and hard about that night, and a few months earlier he had determined the weren▓t cops. It was very hard for mortals of that age to find there way around the tubes.  
Who was it than? Old friends that the hamburglar was very happy to see. There were 3 of them, all muppets. Their names: Oscar, Grover, and cookie monster. They had bad news though, and hamburglars help was desperately needed. A group of bad muppets from a prison had escaped. They blew a wall open, and killed some guards and let all of the other muppets in the prison out. This was all started by big bird, who had paid the escapees to release the other muppets. You see, Big-bird had hated sesame streets democracy and wanted to start a communism. He promised the original escapees high government positions if they let all of the prisoners escape. He armed all escaping muppets with powerful guns and explosives. A civil war had started on Sesame Street. ⌠Its terrible■ cookie monster said, with tears strolling down his eyes. ⌠There▓s fighting in the streets day and night. All you here anymore is grenades going off and machine gun fire. Screaming muppets driving tanks into apartment buildings and wearing bandanas, shooting innocent bystanders. ⌠ ⌠And you haven▓t heard the worst of it.■ Oscar said, looking down. He looked up and said ⌠Ernie died, and berts no where to be found. And the show was cancelled.■ Hamburglar spit his beer allover the goddamn place. They were sitting in the basement of a very ghetto mcdonalds right now, they were sitting on fold up chairs in a circle. A dim light dangled on a chain a few feet above them. ⌠and how exactly did this mess happen?■ hamburglar muttered.  
Oscar started: ⌠The show was cancelled because of us. We all got fired. Cookie monster for getting to fat, me for being to mean, and grover for having associations to the KKK and using the N word to much on national television. The next day we came in with guns and blew the producers fucking brains out.■ There was a crazed look in his eye, and grover said ⌠shortly after that the shit hit the fan. The great depression of sesame street started. There was a party at elmo▓s house, and when big bird (this was before he became a communist) decided to move the party into the bathroom. Bert and ernie were sodomizing in there, drunk. They didn▓t come out of there apartment for a few months. They finally left to go get food, and the street had gone down the shitter by now. Bert went mad shortly afterwards and said he was moving to middle-earth. He hasn▓t been seen since. Shortly afterwards, big bird went on a drunken rage at mr. Hoopers tavern which led up to a series of events that turned him into a dictator. Sesame street must be rescued. The hamburglar couldn▓t remember how to get to sesame street. He knew that the tubes could take you to distant places, dimensions, and warp you to other planets. But he couldn▓t remember if sesame street was on earth or not. Oscar pulled out a giant map, that looked very complex. It was a map of the tubes. He stared at it profusely. ⌠Well, lets get going■ oscar said. The hamburglar went up to his quarters to go pack his shit (a spare knife, a few vibrators, some bacardi, half a bottle of vodka, and some meth) he threw all his stuff in a duffle bag and went into the play-place to meet the muppets. Before they left, they went into the ball-pit and smoked a few doobies courtesy of Oscar the grouch. 


	5. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3 After 4 days of traveling through the tubes, eating little, drinking a lot, telling dirty jokes the ⌠hole■ way, they finally got there. The hamburglar worked his magic right before they got there and got them all drunk. He convinced them to have a ⌠circle-jerkle■. Hamburglar was the only one that wasn▓t drunk, he wanted to remember it. By the 4th day they were almost there. They could tell because the tubes had turned into pipes. The were now in the sewers of sesame street.  
⌠I contacted elmo, who is leading the resistance of big-bird. Almost all of there men are dead. In fact, him and Kermit are in hiding. We are supposed to meet them in a half hour, they need our help ASAP.■ About a half hour later they climbed out and into an alley. They saw Elmo and Kermit running toward them, panting. They stopped, and elmo tried talking to them. They couldn▓t make out what he was saying, he was talking way to fast. Suddenly, they heard 2 gun shots from above. Elmo and Kermit were dead from sniper fire. They looked above and saw big-bird, dressed as a nazi, in an apartment window cackling. He looked at the gang and said ⌠your next■ and walked away. ⌠The resistance just pretty much lost the war.■ Grover said sadly. The 4 spent the rest of that day going around the fallen city, grabbing guns from fallen soldiers. They made a new resistance. They then went and took over an apartment building, looted it, and made a station in the furnished basement. They moved some furniture, some computers, and a small refrigerator down there. The small windows on the top, used for taking peeks at the once beautiful sesame street, were being boarded up by grover. The men locked themselves in and prepared for the next day. They had now collected a few guns and a lot of grenades, and enough food to survive for the night. They prepared for the next day by researching how to make explosives on the internet. Except for the hamburglar, who was viewing panty-fetish porn. The hamburglar looked over, and noticed a door that looked very old. ⌠I wonder where that leads to?■ He thought out loud, walking over to it with an erection in his pants. He tried opening it up, but it was locked. He figured it was a boiler room or something and went back to jacking off in his pants. He thought nothing of it for the rest of the night. 


	6. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4 Nothing much happened that night until around 3 AM and none of the guys even knew about it. At around 3 AM, the door that had been locked crept open. Steam came out from around it, and you could see random scenes of middle-earth from lord of the rings in it. The one known as ⌠bert■ crept out, and he was donned in a ninja suit. You could only see his eyes. He threw a knife at nothing, it didn▓t hit anything, and went back in the door. The door shut, never to be opened again.- 


	7. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5 The next morning, the hamburglar, oscar, grover, and the cookie monster all woke up very early. There was still gun fire at this time, and they had to sneak out. They went around sesame street, planting bombs all over the place, blowing up communist bases. They killed several communist leaders. Sesame street was now literally in ruins. The street was empty, there were still a few tanks going through with radical muppets in them. The hamburglar would throw a few ▒nades under these, blowing them to pieces. Sometimes the muppets would still be alive in them, but crippled. Hamburglar would have his way with these muppets. The street everyone had once loved was now bare and desolate. It was very cloudy out today and it would probably rain. A helicopter came around. It had the yellow canary-nazi-fiend in it, and it shot out all of the muppets. Hamburglar was still there, but his friends were dead. The hamburglar whipped out a rocket launcher and shot down the helicopter. He thought the war would be over now but it wasn▓t. as Big-bird fell, mr. Snuffleupagus came to resue. He had evolved since the show had ended, and now had wings coming out of his ears. He could fly now, he rescued the yellow canary. All of the sudden the ground rumbled. A huge cylinder, that went about a thousand feet in the air, arose from the gravel of a fallen apartment building. The hamburglar knew it was time. He walked toward the sand-colored brick cylinder that was in the in the middle of the city. He walked toward it, this was the first serious moment in the thousands of years he had been materialized.  
He walked up the circling stairs. Along them were barred windows with mean looking birds. After about an hour, he got to the top. It was an empty brick room. Nothing was in it. He sat there a few minutes, thinking, WTF? Right then, there was a crash from the other side of the room. A giant red elephant-thing known by children everywhere as ⌠mr. Snuffleupagus■ came crashing through, with big-bird on top. He roared. The hamburglar took out a small pistol and shot big-bird right in the head. Feathers flew all over and blood was splattered everywhere. Mr. Snuffleupagus then went nuts and smashed hamburglar though a brick wall. The hamburglar grabbed onto a bar on a window falling down, unscrewed it and climbed in. he walked down the steps and into the streets, where he laid down and jacked off for about 3 hours. He got up, walked away, and eventually found his way back to a mcdonalds. 


	8. Epilogue

EPILOGUE So, whatever happened to the hamburglar? From all I can know or tell he went back to mcdonalds where he currently resides. Maybe he went on other adventures. Maybe he▓s dead, we▓ll probably never know. Maybe he▓ll have another great adventure someday with the aquateens, maybe he choked on his own puke or cum and is currently decaying deep within the tubes.

Snuffleupagus, on the other hand, is a whole ▒nother story. He moved in to the school house barney lived in and harassed the kids in it, and made himself ⌠king snuffleupagus■. There was an attempted assassination in 1996, and he hasn▓t been seen since. 


End file.
